‘You’re so annoying!’, ‘Look at Jessica, that’s how you should behave!’, ‘You’ll be the death of me!’. Few can honestly admit that they’ve never uttered such phrases to their children. Often, these words slip out in the heat of the moment, without much thought, but that makes them even more piercing, hurting our children deeply.
Very young children believe everything they’re told. They take their parents’ words literally, which is why it’s so important to avoid certain forbidden phrases and words. AdmiGram.com advises against communicating with your little ones in such harmful ways, no matter how frustrating things may get. Here are the phrases that can hurt your children the most. Never say them!
The 10 most hurtful phrases you can say to your children
If you behave like this, then…
Prophetic threats like ‘if you behave like this, you’ll never get married’, ‘you’ll end up badly, for sure!’, ‘you’ll regret it if you don’t listen to me’ – these predictions foretell a child’s future failures. Remember, confident and self-assured children come from parents who always praise them.
Such children are self-assured and value themselves. If something doesn’t go right for them, they tend to look for the reasons within themselves and work to improve. After all, mom said they were the best! And moms don’t lie. Avoid letting situations escalate to the point of an anecdote where a psychotherapist discusses a mother’s parenting: ‘You’re raising her too strictly.’ ‘Why?’ ‘When I asked her what her daughter’s name was, she answered: ‘Mia Enough.’
John is a good boy, and you’re a lazybones!
Children are very sensitive to comparisons. Firstly, it triggers unhealthy competition with other “better” kids. Secondly, they start to feel jealousy and doubts about their parents’ love, wondering if Mom and Dad really love them or the person they’re being compared to.
You can’t do anything right. Let me do it myself…
You probably meant well when you said this, perhaps you were tired of watching your little one struggle with shoelaces for an hour. But by saying this, you’re not helping; in fact, you’re doing more harm than good. Not only are you killing their desire to do things independently, but you’re also getting upset when they fail.
This excessive care or frustration programs your child for failure. Gradually, they begin to believe that they’re clumsy, awkward, and a failure. They lose faith in their own abilities, and everything they do becomes a chore, as they think that all their endeavors are doomed from the start.
You’re stupid, a pest, a slacker, a weakling…
Labels like these lower self-esteem, and the child actually starts living up to them, losing any motivation for personal development. Another typical reaction is counterattack. The child mirrors the parents’ behavior, starting to criticize them back: ‘You’re losers, you don’t understand anything, your views are outdated.
You can’t!
You can’t do this, you can’t do that, not this, not that, not now, not later, never. If you give an adult free rein, they’ll chant ‘no’ from morning till night, like a parrot without a break. An abundance of prohibitions from parents obstructs a child’s personal growth, physical, and mental development.
Children’s activity is the realization of a very important need for a child’s development: exploring space, gaining knowledge, forming self-perceptions through testing their abilities. The desire to keep a child close, constant supervision during any outings outside the home deprives the child of the value of independent discoveries, the habit of relying only on themselves, and the ability to take calculated risks.
You have to do what I say because I’m in charge here!
In reality, children should know and understand why they’re doing something. Take the time to explain, so the child can connect with your wishes and intentions. If you don’t explain anything to the child, they’ll happily go against your instructions when you’re not around.
I don’t love you!
These are the worst words you can ever say to your child. This phrase triggers nothing but fear and despair in a child: ‘I’m bad, nobody needs me.’ Another variation is: ‘If you don’t listen to me, I won’t love you.’
The child starts to perceive love only as a reward for good behavior, so don’t expect that when something happens in your child’s life, they will come to you for support.
Why did you get a B instead of an A?
This is also criticism, and even without comparison, it’s still very painful for the child. Your son (daughter) might start thinking that they’re not good enough for their parents. Instead, encourage your child for their efforts and help them become even better. After all, it’s your responsibility.
You’re so fat (skinny)!
With whom else, apart from a child, could you have such conversations? A spouse, a boss, a friend, a neighbor – anyone else would be offended by such comments and demand an apology at the very least. Children, by the way, get hurt too, feeling utterly powerless.
Instead of changing something, they start to protest. Toddlers cry and throw tantrums, teenagers say ‘leave me alone’ and withdraw into themselves. In short, no matter how you look at it, the desired impact is zero. All it accomplishes is damaging the child’s psyche.
Leave me alone, I don’t have time for your problems!
By showing contempt for the child’s problems, adults risk losing their trust and, in the future, not learning about other, more serious issues. The most important aspect of parenting is respecting your child, recognizing their individuality, preserving their sense of dignity, and paying attention to their life and problems.
