Sometimes, on the vast expanse of the all-powerful internet, you can come across incredibly wise advice about ideal relationships from relatively unknown sages of our time. These pieces of advice are particularly valuable for those who are just stepping onto the path of adulthood or, conversely, for those who have become hopelessly entangled in its unfathomable twists and turns.
Today, AdmiGram.com publishes a uniquely valuable letter from a wise woman to all those who can’t quite figure out what ideal relationships between a man and a woman should be like.
What should ideal relationships be like: insight for every woman
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Relationships that have a chance to be long-lasting should not be complicated by definition. How long can a person endure driving themselves and others crazy non-stop? Well, maybe half a year, a year, or in particularly complex cases, a couple of years. And then, they become unbearable for everyone, and the audience leaves the theater in mournful silence, leaving the hero alone to sweat under the stage lights.
So-called complicated relationships, all these “coming and going,” and hours-long discussions of lofty matters are, pardon me, born out of having too much free time. These are the wrong relationships. Seriously. It’s like going to a car dealership and wanting a Rolls-Royce when, at best, you can only afford the down payment for a basic Ford.
You can come to this dealership for years, but all that awaits you is that Ford. You’ll insist that a Rolls-Royce is the only thing suitable for you. You’ll argue with your family and friends, wear a mournful face, and wring your hands. You’ll ruin your life, elevate suffering to a fetish, but you’ll never consider that all you need is a sturdy, reliable workhorse with a working air conditioner, a clean interior, and properly chosen tires to get you from point A to point B.
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Relationships should be as simple as two pennies. It doesn’t matter whether he’s a physics genius or a regular John-the-plumber. It doesn’t matter what kind of education he has, how many languages he speaks, how many women he’s been with, or whether he writes good poetry. What matters is how comfortable you are with him.
If he drives you to depression, if you feel just as miserable with him as without him, if you know that there’s no future with him, if he loves using phrases like ‘I’m not ready,’ or ‘We need to wait,’ or ‘I need to think,’ or ‘It’s so complicated,’ send him packing. Whether you truly loved him or it was just infatuation, you’ll only realize much later, so you’re not really losing anything.
Love is an undefinable state, often mistaken for desire, respect, habit, envy, a desire for revenge, and many other things. From ‘complicated’ relationships, you gain nothing but a headache. If you need that headache, if you can’t live without it, find the courage to admit that you don’t need this specific man but rather the headache that comes with him. Learn to extract the headache from more productive relationships. Just warn the r-i-g-h-t man that on Wednesdays and Saturdays, you’re a full-fledged shrew so he can prepare in advance.
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Again and again: relationships should be simple. After all, you’ll be having children with this person, running a household, making plans, visiting friends, interacting with family, and living the most down-to-earth, ordinary life imaginable. And if you think you can avoid this reality, you are very, very mistaken.
How does it happen? At first, we want someone tall, fit, beautiful, intelligent, rich, promising, romantic and sexy, and only much later do we realize – we all understand this – that we need a person we can rely on, who will be there not just when it’s convenient for them, but always. Always, you know? That’s why reliability is an extremely important quality.
He will be there to support you during the TOUGHEST moments in life when everything is falling apart. That’s why responsibility is also crucial. You’ll want to share your joys and sorrows, victories and defeats, dreams and fears with them, so the ability to empathize is incredibly important.
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You’ll get to know each other inside and out, understand each other with half a word, eventually fit together like gears finely tuned on a super-mega-extra machine. You’ll continue to argue and make up because, after all, he’s not you; he’s another person, even though he’s customized himself for you just as much as you have for him. That’s why tolerance is absolutely essential.
And you’ll constantly be giving up parts of yourselves for each other, bit by bit, chipping away at your bachelor or bachelorette habits. This trendy word ‘compromise’ comes into play, so flexibility is also very, very important. You’ll make important decisions together and separately – decisions that can very well change your current way of life, so without trust – it’s just not going to work at all.
© Becky Phan / Unsplash
Think about it, when you were 20, you didn’t think about any of this, right? You wanted him to roll up to you in a fancy car, give you flowers, and kiss you passionately on the lips. You wanted to gaze into his amazingly beautiful eyes and just be like a picture.
Well, in reality, none of that matters at all. It doesn’t matter if he’s handsome or not, tall or short, slim or chubby, wears glasses or stutters. All you need from him is the realization that with this person, you’re ready to face anything – fire, water, and copper pipes, and that when he’s around, you feel really good. And that without him, life is so much worse than with him.
And I assure you, when you look back 20 years from now, when you’re still amused, checking his temperature and helping him write a will just because he sneezed once, and when you finally stop having those heart-to-heart conversations about ‘Where are we going?’ because you’ve ALREADY arrived where you need to be, that’s what love will be. Love – it can never be calculated in advance. Never.
As for all these ‘complicated’ relationships – well, maybe take up embroidery classes or help the orphans. Leave your poor brain alone; it’s got enough on its plate without you.
image on top: Toa Heftiba / Unsplash
